Traydio | Rob's portfolio

Posted at 11:49:14 PM on Feb 15, 2009

Hello Richard,

Very funny! It's one of those things that you think about but never talk about. Nice one. I'm a teacher/performance poet/Dad/human being living in Bodmin but I'm from Dudley originally. But I visited Colorado briefly in 1975 as a BUNAC student. I remember driving our "drive-away" car through Denver at night and going on to Mesa Verdi, which is one of the most interesting places I've ever visited. I teach in a special school in Plymouth and about half of my class is on the autistic spectrum. It's the best job I've ever had, after 31 years of teaching in lots of different settings. I too have considered the pubic hair situation but for me it was the wearing of low slung jeans revealing underpants that set me off. All the best.

Rob

Underpants by Rob Barratt

These days when young men go out walking or dance
I cannot help noticing their underpants

They cannot see mine, so why must I see theirs?
It’s all Calvin Klein mixed with male pubic hairs

With me it was flares, an old duffel coat and loons
But no one experienced an eclipse of my moons

I find my eyes staring and wanting to say
“For God’s sake pull yer keks up and put it away!”

Where will it go next? What is the next phase?
Will juvenile genitals be all the rage?

Will they be adorned with accessories and gel
To give multinationals some more stuff to sell?

Will trousers all start at the top of your leg?
Will those well endowed then be called Jake the Peg
(diddle-iddle-iddle-iddle oom, with an extra leg, diddle-iddle-iddle-oom)

But I know a way that we oldies can stop it
We’ll lower our breeches and subtly drop it

A few inches more and off gaily we’ll strut
With our tired old Y-fronts displayed ‘neath our gut

So do us a favour, you designers of cloth
And encourage young dudes, be they chav, punk or goth

To return to a state of decorum and taste
Like having jeans fit with a belt round your waist

I know what you’re thinking. Do I have a heart?
Well no, and besides, I’m a boring old fart.

Mary-Jayne Rust on Anthropocentrism

Posted at 10:34:14 PM on Oct 25, 2009

As sympathetic as I am to the environment, nature and the ideals of the Eden Project (I'm a local and visit regularly) I just can't believe that people are taken in by this pseudo-religious stuff. Whether it's born-again Christians, life coaches or Anthropocentrists, the approach is the same - a softly spoken man or woman who tries to lull you into thinking that he or she are just another normal person whilst trying to conceal the fact that they have an irrational off-the wall belief and who usually says, "I'd like to tell you a story" (Max Bygraves was more convincing!!) Of course the stories of animals being around when people were about to die were coincidences. Animals are often around. What about the number of times when there are no animals around and people die? Of course we are the most usefully intelligent life form on Earth otherwise we wouldn't be the top species but that doesn't stop us from screwing up the planet. How do you know that dolphins or ants wouldn't make just as big a mess of things if they got to the number one position? Shamanism and all forms of belief systems have tried to make sense of the world around them since time immemorial. They have invented gods or superstitions, magical powers, signs, divine beings, and most of all superstitions and unlikely correlations to explain the inexplicable and the statistically unlikely. It serves to cement their society together but it doesn't make it real or true. People have fallen for this con since we first developed the language to ask the question, "What are we here for?" The organised and pseudo religions (such as Antropcentrism, I fear) trade on the child-like innocence of a lot of people to swallow this poorly thought out nonsense. I'd love it all to be true, because it would make life simpler. but it's not. Most of us love the things in the natural world that inspire us and appreciate the need to preserve it (Except for Jeremy Clarkson and the strange followers of his green-hating cult). I hope that the Anthropocentrics in Iceland, Norway and Japan will lobby their governments about whaling and over-fishing as well as meeting in conference centres trying to convert people.

OK, so I only lasted for 10 minutes listening to this, but I got the gist. I just couldn't listen to any more.

Rob Barratt (Bodmin)

On The Brink- Reinventing your experience of life

Posted at 10:51:11 PM on Oct 25, 2009

I can't believe that Traydio is putting this kind of stuff out. Having considered the meaning of life for a very long time (since discovering the contentment of agnosticism at the age of 12) I'm unlikely to be impressed by a Madonna impersonator who has to tell you the few times she's been in the media because, let's face it none of us have heard of her. Jesus was one of The Carpenters and I don't believe in him, either. This another case of a life coach telling us the obvious and expecting us to be impressed.

Rob

Welcome to Imperfectly Natural

Posted at 12:26:38 AM on Feb 16, 2009

Hello Janey,

I've always misheard the pronunciation of your name on Radio 2 and I thought it was Jamie! Now I know. I checked out your website too and I also like your voice. Enough of the flattery. I often listen to Steve Wright in the afternoon on my way home from work. Apart from yourself (of course), I like "Ask Elvis" the best. The only bit I don't like is the astrologers who always say whatever the listeners want to hear or rather what they say could apply to anyone - it's so generalised and waffly. Anyway, when I split up from my wife, I found that Steve Wright's "Sunday Love Songs" was the most painful radio show to listen to as there were so many apparently happy people sending in cheesy requests for cheesy love songs. It inspired me to write the attached poem in which I perform the snatches of song with gusto. I'm a singer too but not on your scale of fame. You could do a great job on this one. I wrote it for lonely people or people who'd just split up. I perform it regularly, whenever they let me out of the straightjacket. Good luck with the children. Mine are grown up now but are just as important to me as ever. Keep up the good work.

Sunday Love Songs by Rob Barratt

(rbarratt@cooptel.net)

Hi there, Steve. Love the show!
Please play me a request
I’d like to dedicate a song
To the man I love the best

Dave’s been with me for forty years
I’ve never had to doubt him
To be perfectly honest with you, Steve
I just couldn’t live without him

(sing) I can’t live, if living is without you.
I can’t live, I can’t give any more….

I really, really love him, Steve
And he loves me just the same
I get a funny tingle
Every time I hear his name

He’s stuck with me through thick and thin
Through good times and through bad ‘uns
So, Steve, please play a track for Dave
You know, that one by Bryan Adams

(sing) You know it’s true, Everything I do, I do it for you….

Each day Dave makes me, without fail,
My breakfast, lunch and tea
Without him, I’d be nothing, Steve
He means the world to me

We never ever argue, Steve
He’s never vile or bitchy
So play me a romantic song
Like “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie

(sing) Well hello. Is it me you’re looking for……?
‘Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely……

Please play us a slow number, Steve
So we can have a smooch
We’ll chew the fat, around our flat
In Ashby-de-la-Zouch

Those whom God hath joined together
Let no man put asunder
So play me a sentimental song
You know, like Stevie Wonder

(sing) I just called to say, “I love you”
I just called to say how much I care
I just called to say……….

As a lover, Dave is second to none
He’s a one-man sex machine
I’ve got to hand it to him, Steve
(If you know what I mean)

So please play him a nice song, Steve
He’s loyal, true and brave
He’s a smashing bloke, who likes a joke
Thanks Steve. Yours truly, …… Dave.

Rob Barratt

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